Washington Lawyer - July/August 2024 - 9

TOWARD WELL-BEING
Taming Your Inner Critic
By Denise Perme
H
ave you beaten yourself up
today? Entertained negative
thoughts about your performance?
Called yourself
names or berated yourself for
some perceived error or oversight?
I'll bet you have. If not, wait for it ...
the day may be young.
Lawyers are paid to be critical and look for
problems, and this tendency often influences
how they treat themselves. Many of those who
seek help from lawyer assistance programs
(LAPs) struggle with depression and anxiety
exacerbated by their relentless inner critic.
Self-compassion is not a practice the legal profession
encourages. For many lawyers, their
chosen career is unforgiving of a less-than-perfect
decision or work product. After all, people
consult a lawyer to get the right answer to a
problem. As one of my LAP clients once said to
me about her experience in the legal profession,
" I don't remember anyone telling me that
being less than right was ever OK. "
Danica Gonzalves, a nonprofit advocacy attorney
and a member of the D.C. Bar Lawyer Assistance
Committee, echoes that sentiment. " I
could do 99 things right in a day, [but] if one
thing is not perfect, that one thing would just
eat at me, " Gonzalves says.
Elizabeth Pyjov, former lawyer and founder of
Self-Compassion for Lawyers, agrees that lawyers
are especially prone to self-criticism. Pyjov,
who was an associate at a prestigious global
firm before becoming a consultant, is familiar
with high-pressure environments that discourage
self-compassion. She spent the first six
years of her life in the former Soviet Union, in
an extremely perfectionistic culture, before immigrating
to California with her family. Later
she spent a total of eight years at Harvard earning
an undergraduate degree, a master of theological
studies, and finally a law degree. She
also studied neuroscience for two years at the
Stanford School of Medicine.
While at Stanford, Pyjov studied with visiting
scholar Dr. Kristin Neff, a renowned expert on
self-compassion, and was exposed to some important
research on the benefits of treating
yourself with gentle understanding. It was this
experience, Pyjov says, that opened her eyes.
" A light bulb went on. And I realized that being
kind to myself will get me much further, " she
says.
Pyjov took her new practices with her when
she started her law career and noticed that
other lawyers were unenlightened. " I realized
that lawyers don't have self-compassion. They
are the most self-critical people I have met, "
Pyjov says. It is an occupational hazard - the
dark flip side of the training lawyers need. " The
law is uniquely designed to strengthen our inner
critic. Our brains are already wired to look
for what is wrong, and then in law school we
are trained to issue-spot, " she adds.
After passing the bar, the training for new
lawyers intensifies and the discerning eye that
helps win cases gets focused on their own behavior,
thoughts, effort, and work product -
to their detriment. " In an apprenticeship system,
we grow because those who are more senior
give feedback to their juniors, " Pyjov says.
" It's a system where you just keep getting criticized
until you become a better lawyer. "
Gonzalves says she has worked to become
more mindful about how she views herself.
" Part of self-compassion is recognizing my assets.
Compassion doesn't just come from forgiving
yourself for a mistake; it also comes from
focusing on your strengths, " she says.
Research suggests that leaders who are kind to
themselves are more resilient, are more emotionally
intelligent, and have higher integrity.
" I look at it as a quality lawyers need for leadership
of self, " Pyjov says. " In the long run, you always
win with self-compassion because when
you are happier and healthier, your work product
is better. "
Gonzalves says that when she is compassionate
with herself, she is gentler with others.
" When I do that for myself, I can do that for the
people I am leading, " she says. She also suggests
that an individual doesn't have to be in
a formal leadership position to lead others in
cultivating self-compassion. " People are leaders
when they set an example for others. You can
be a leader as an associate, for other associates.
We can even be leaders for our clients, " adds
Gonzalves.
If you want to strengthen your self-compassion,
Pyjov recommends starting with the three
core elements that Dr. Neff identified through
her research:
Mindfulness. Build your awareness of what is
happening within you in the moment, without
judgment, when you feel stress or pressure.
Notice your thoughts and accept your feelings.
Common humanity. Remind yourself that all
of us wrestle with the same feelings. To err is
human; we are all flawed. We deserve solicitude,
even when we make mistakes.
Self-friendliness. Treat yourself the way you
would treat a friend. Offer yourself encouragement,
understanding, and kindness.
Denise Perme is associate director of the D.C. Bar
Lawyer Assistance Program.
If you would like free, confidential help on
becoming more self-compassionate, please
email lap@dcbar.org. For additional insights
into self-compassion, check out the Toward
Well-Being podcast.
JULY/AUGUST 2024 * WASHINGTON LAWYER 9
Washington Lawyer - July/August 2024

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