Washington Lawyer - September/October 2024 - 48

A SLICE OF WRY
Funny You Should Ask
By Paul Kiernan
I
came up with a brilliant idea
after I saw that Pope Francis
hosted a meeting of comedians
and comedy writers at the
Vatican in June.
The pope is known for having a good sense of
humor and a sharp wit (as popes go), and he
was making a point about learning how to
communicate better using empathy and cultural
understanding.
Plus, he was probably searching for a couple of
good homily howlers for the upcoming holidays
like: A priest, a rabbi, a minister, an imam,
and a chicken walk into a bar. The bartender
looks up and asks, " Is this some kind of joke? "
That same day, I read that both Congress and
the courts, especially the Supreme Court, had
reached their lowest point in public regard
ever. (I realize that by the time you, Loyal Readers,
get this issue, the numbers may have
dropped even further into the realm of imaginary
numbers.) One of the reasons for the low
grades is the public's perception that these institutions
are not transparent and don't engage
with empathy and cultural understanding.
My brilliant idea? Professional comedians to
work up some new material for Supreme Court
justices or for members of Congress.
Imagine that instead of a clerk intoning " Oyez!
Oyez! Oyez! " at the start of the Supreme Court
day, we bring in a tummler (look it up) to warm
up the lawyers and the courtroom before the
10 a.m. bell sounds and the justices come
through the curtains to the strains of -
Well, well, good morning, ladies and jurists!
What a crowd, what a crowd! Today's case is
about standing. Speaking of standing, did
you hear the one about the plaintiff who
48 WASHINGTON LAWYER
* SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2024
brought his own chair to court . . . because
he had no standing? I'll be here all term.
Please remember your clerks and bailiffs.
Or the scene in a tense big-city courtroom
where a judge has been told to spice things up
with a little levity:
I understand that the jury has come back
with a verdict. By a show of hands, how many
of the jurors are opposed to raising their
hands? Hah! Gotcha! Seriously, folks, you can't
return this verdict because you've already
opened it. Pottery Barn rules: You vote it, defendant
pays for it.
Think of how public confidence in our system
would be enhanced if judicial confirmation
hearings had a little more sparkle:
Sen. Doldrum: Judge Reinhold, while serving
on the District Court, did you issue rulings in
any Title VII cases?
Judge: Certainly. Rulings in Title VII cases, Title
VIII, Title IX, X, Jack, Queen, and King.
Sen. Doldrum: What is your position on the
two-party system?
Judge: One on Friday, one on Saturday.
Sen. Doldrum: Your Honor, are you showing
contempt of Congress?
Judge: Actually, I'm trying to hide it.
When Al Franken served as a senator from Minnesota,
we had a bona fide professional comedian
and comedy writer on the premises. However,
he downplayed that part of his résumé
while he was doing his legislative work. Missed
opportunity for the institution.
So, let's elect Kate McKinnon or Dave Chappelle
or Jim Gaffigan (he could certainly pass as a
two-term representative from downstate Illinois)
and tell them the gloves are off; go do
your stuff. Let's bring standup to markups. Bet
more people would pull up C-SPAN to watch an
appropriations hearing involving Steve Carell
and Aziz Ansari. I would.
And what about a professional comedian on
the Supreme Court? Forget about the hot-button
cases and just think what a comedy writer
could do in a case where the Court is resolving
an intercircuit split about some provision of
maritime law. Is there a funnier word in the
English language than " flotsam " ? (OK, maybe
" jetsam. " )
Or one of those arguments when the Court
seems not too sure what technology is all
about or what's current - you know, when
their hypotheticals involve pagers and carbon
paper. A comedian used to keeping hecklers in
line could come in handy as a counterpoint
(names changed to protect the guilty):
Justice Leeg: Counsel, assume that in the early
hours of the morning, a defendant is loitering
near a payphone and . . .
Justice Ruff: A what?!? Who are you, Adam
Levine? You sure aren't Wiz Khalifa!
Justice Leeg: Let me change my hypothetical.
I'm faxing a document across state lines and . . .
Justice Ruff: Huh?!?
Justice Leeg: An important cable is sent . . . ?
Justice Ruff: Cable?!? Cut the cord, judge. You
are as out-of-date as that container of sour
cream in my refrigerator. And your questions
have the same odor.
So maybe having comedians and comic writers
and insult artists in every facet of our lawyer
lives would have its drawbacks. But you have to
admit that, given the level of unfortunate discourse
sometimes evident in our profession, at
least professional comedians would realize that
words should tickle, not cut, and that you always
have to leave 'em laughing.
Washington Lawyer - September/October 2024

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