Washington Lawyer - November/December 2024 - 48

A SLICE OF WRY
Foreseeable Future
By Paul Kiernan
L
ook what I found!
In November 2023, I made a list of my
predictions for 2024. I put the list in a
hermetically sealed envelope and stored it in
a mayonnaise jar.
Last week, I found the jar on the top shelf of
the closet in the guest room, scraped out the
mayonnaise, and opened the envelope. You be
the judge of how good my predictions were.
1. The financial markets will go up.
2. It will be a rebuilding season for the New
York Giants.
3. The presidential election race will be full
of surprises. The oldest person ever to be
elected president will try again . . . no, make
that two of them . . . no, make that one. I
predict that a surprise candidate will upend
all expectations and generate even more
excitement than a reintroduction of the
McRib sandwich. And I see one candidate
explaining why he left a dead bear in a major
metropolitan park.
4. The financial markets will go down.
5. The U.S. Supreme Court will stun many
Americans by reminding them that there
are still Chevron stations. In other results,
the Court will issue decisions that track exactly
the outcomes everyone expected.
One notable exception: The Court will hold
that the president of the United States cannot
be prosecuted for pardoning turkeys.
6. Doug Burgum will be a thing. No one will
remember why.
7. Hawk tuah will be a thing. And it's not a
bird. (If you don't know, don't Google it at
work. Just don't.)
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* NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2024
8. Speaking of Google, I predict that " change "
will be featured among the top sponsored
results for the tech giant. I would not be
surprised to learn that in breaking up
Google Maps, the Supreme Court will order
everyone to move to a new home.
9. The financial markets will fluctuate.
10. In the movies, polish off the box-office
crown for Comeback Kid Kevin Costner and
his multifilm Western, Horizon. And when
will we see Argylle 2? Can't wait!
11. Law firms will increase their hourly rates,
and clients will complain about that. Clients
will slow down payment times on legal
bills, and law firms will complain about
that. Whoops, wait a second . . . I'm looking
at my 2022 prediction list.
12. The coveted title of " Song of the Summer "
will go to a song that (1) mentions messy
relationships, (2) involves drinking, (3) takes
place on a weekend, (4) is very danceable,
and (5) mashes up two artists or genres or
tattoo styles.
13. Also on the popular music front, 2024 will
see the end of " TaylorMania, " as interest in
Taylor Swift plummets following a tour that
will be marked by empty seats and bad reviews.
Swift will dump Travis Kelce and take
up with Kelsey Grammer.
14. This one is always hard. Betting on the
dead pool (but not on Deadpool - that
movie will sink without a trace!), I predict
that in 2024, we will lose:
* James Earl Jones
* Carl Weathers
* Louis Gossett Jr.
* Dr. Ruth
* Billy Bean
* Willie Mays
* Jerry West
* Toby Keith
* Peter Schickele (P.D.Q. Bach)
* Bob Newhart
* Other people
15. It will be a rebuilding year for the financial
markets.
16. Crypto-keeper Sam Bankman-Fried will be
toast for real when he is sentenced to 25
years in a real prison with real walls and real
steel bars for really taking a real lot of money.
17.
The Kansas City Chiefs will repeat as Super
Bowl champs in a game featuring outstanding
play by Kelsey Grammer.
18. The total solar eclipse that has long been
calculated to occur on April 8, 2024, will.
19. On Leap Day, February 29, 2024, musician
and actor Ja Rule turns 12.
20. The National Hockey League will find itself
in the embarrassing position of playing
two seasons at the same time when the
end of the 2023-24 season laps the start of
the 2024-25 season. Few people outside
Toronto will even notice.
21. In April, a magnitude 4.8 earthquake will
strike New Jersey. New Jersey will strike
back.
I think my batting average was pretty good.
Some things didn't come to pass, but I nailed
that eclipse. OK, ready for next year? My big
prediction for 2025 is ...
continued on page 65
Washington Lawyer - November/December 2024

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