Washington Lawyer - November/December 2020 - 68

A SLICE OF WRY

'[Bleep] Year'
By Paul Kiernan

Is it over yet? 2020? Please?
As you probably know, these magazine
columns are written well in advance. (Maybe
not written well, but you know what I mean.)
So as I type this, I do not know the eventual
outcome of the year. But I am assuming
(hoping) that if you are reading this, there is still
a District of Columbia and a D.C. Bar and our
new rulers from Jupiter have allowed us to
publish this magazine.
OK, we didn't have an alien invasion this year
(yet), but that's about the only head-spinning,
heart-breaking, who-thought-of-this development missing. Pandemic devastation, closed
schools, shuttered businesses, continued
deaths of Black people at the hands of the
police, riots, economic collapse, fierce partisanship. Throw in fire-nados in California, murder
hornets, and a movie version of Sonic the
Hedgehog, and future generations will wonder
how we made it through the year.
Americans did what we do best: hit the couch.
It was couch for work, couch for sleep, couch
for TV binges, all couch all the time. And when
we weren't on the couch, we were studying
the couch - wondering whether we should
get a new one or add a pillow or skooch the
table a little closer so that we didn't have to
reach so far for the iPad.
We busied ourselves with chores. Banished to
the house, we noticed cobwebs where we
didn't know they could cob. We saw that a
room needed painting and maybe it was time
to replace that shelf paper in the kitchen. (Come
on, we know you have shelf paper.) Washing
windows, planting gardens, redoing the sock
drawer, organizing the cat's toys alphabetically.
By this time of the year, we are beat.
We're all talked out, too. Somehow once we left
the office we spent more time talking to
people than we did when we were in the
office. We talked to people we didn't like to talk
to when we were in the office. We talked to old

68 WASHINGTON LAWYER

high school pals, second cousins, people
selling solar panels. Plus, we talked to Alexa and
Siri and our toasters and our remote control
and probably our couch, too. At the end of the
day my throat was sore.
And thanks to Zoom, we had to worry about
what was happening behind us while we were
working. Hard enough to pay attention to the
job in front of us, but now we had to sweat
what everyone would think of our goofy poster
or random sports memorabilia or the absence
on our bookshelf of anything written in the
past 28 years. (Does The Law of Trusts count?)
I wonder how many people now have an indelible picture of the fan slowly turning in your
spare room, or the exact lineup of spices on
your kitchen counter. No wonder the country
was exhausted all the time - all this swiveling
head action all year, like driving in reverse for
nine months.
But somehow we made it (I hope). And for the
rest of your life, if someone ever refers to "20-20
vision" or even the TV show 20/20, you will have
the kind of involuntary reaction in your throat
that is usually caused by Salisbury steak or lima
beans. (Lima bean fans, it's a joke. Salisbury
steak fans? Consult a physician.)

We learned to measure in chunks of six feet.
Calm people became unusually grouchy.
Our daily routines were soon disrupted,
So long Dr. Phil, hello Dr. Fauci.
Here comes Dr. Birx and her scarves
And the latest COVID-news promo
Masking mayors and TV governors
And promptly at noon: Ecce Cuomo!
The year went on forever for real.
Chiefs locked Super Bowl on Feb. 2 (Sunday),
How were we to know that one Groundhog Day
Would multiply into our Every-One-Day?
We lost some talented people -
can't have too many of those men -
Johns Lewis and Thompson,
Kobe, Wes, and Chadwick Boseman.
Bill Withers said we could lean on him
Little Richard made everyone a dancer
And Regis Philbin has a headstart now
On knowing what is your final answer.
The year's takeaway?
There are heroes among us.
Wielding blue gloves or hand trucks
Our debt is humongous.

I can't wait for the future to get here. So to ring
out this terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad
year:

May we all take a page from their tireless service
In this tiring year of over-frayed nerves,
And when we hit '21 let's vow to do better
And become the leaders who know how to serve.

'Twas the night before New Year
And of joy there was plenty
As the whole world bade goodbye
To the dread 20-20.

May our world be safe and healthy and free
As we put this one in the rearview mirror,
As lawyers, let's work to help those in need
And bring equal justice to all ever nearer.

Things started kinda normal
- old "normal" not "the new" -
People working in real offices,
Little Zooming to view.

So Merry Christmas, friends,
Happy Hanukkah too,
And Kwanzaa and Festivus
And a Year that is New.

As the world turned, tilting,
And "for granted" became "out of sight."
(Maybe we could have foreseen the dire
With Oscar nod named Parasite?)

Already I like Twenty-One
Better than this [bleep] year
Because it will be a regular size
Not like this dreadful leap year!

NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2020

Washington Lawyer - November/December 2020

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