Washington Lawyer - March/April 2021 - 52

A SLICE OF WRY

'Paper Cuts'
By Paul Kiernan

any of you no doubt
remember what were
called " newspapers. "
We know them now as
news sites or digital subscriptions,
but there was a time when big,
fat newspapers roamed the land,
full of coupons and ads and
pictures and columns of small
print.
You had to buy a newspaper and a magnifying
glass to find out where stock prices closed the
day before. People used to advertise for the sale
of used cars in the paper, seeking " best offer. "
Newspapers were where you would search for
lost pets, announce speakers at community
meetings, boast about recipes, and complain
about that bad stretch along Springfield Avenue
where they are always saying they are going to
add a crosswalk but they never do.
One of the things I love about newspapers is
that you can read features you would be too
embarrassed to search for online. Take the horoscope column. Do I want any footprints in my
search history that I was looking for Omar's predictions for my day? No. Will I read " If You Were
Born Today " in the paper on my birthday? Of
course I will.
Among all the great newspapers now gone -
or just digital shells of their past glories -
there was never a paper devoted solely to
lawyers. Yes, there were (and are) papers and
news services about lawyers and law firms, but
those are all business, with none of the fun
features like:

Horoscopes
Taurus: The judge has not read the case you
cited. Keep arguing.

52 WASHINGTON LAWYER

MARCH/APRIL 2021

Libra: Today finds you ready for that big
closing! But go back to bed. It's Sunday.

" Order in the Court: When Attorneys Attend
Tennis Matches "

Leo: Be wary of res ipsa loquitor because, you
know, it just does.

" Former NFL Stars Lawyer Tillman and Lawyer
Milloy Start Firm "

Capricorn: Normally friendly client will
question random expense on the invoice.
Consult her billing guidelines for loophole.

" Making Your Office Feel More Like the Home
That Now Feels Like the Office "

Classified Ads
1978 Precedent for sale. Low mileage, rarely
cited, needs some Shepardizing around the
dicta but otherwise ready to be used.
Domestic attorney in search of foreign entanglements. Serious inquiries only.
Antiques for sale. Everything must go! Bound
volumes of F. Supp., F.R.D., Rev. Rul. Rare
copies of U.S. Law Week (with original
staples!).

Comic Strips
Peanuts. Won't Charlie Brown ever learn that
just as he was about to kick the football, Lucy
will obtain a TRO to prevent the kick?
Dick Tracy. Detective Tracy attends a refresher
course on citizens' rights.
Gasoline Alley. Skeezix receives a notice of
violation for failing to remove underground
storage tanks.
Garfield. Lawyer is torn between another plate
of lasagna and seeing one more office-seeker.
Family Circus. Billy follows an incredibly circuitous route in making what should have been
a pretty simple argument in a breach case.
Doonesbury. Zonker hires counsel to secure
CBD distribution rights.

Sports
" Best Referee Action This Weekend: You Make
the Call "
" Gene Steratore on Throwing the Challenge
Flag, the New Overtime Rules, and Other
Footnotes to Football "

" Go on a Word Diet! Cutting Unnecessary
Adverbs From Your Appellate Briefs "
" Don't Throw That Document Away! 10 Tips
for Recycling the Most Oppressive Language
in Your Adversary's Contract of Adhesion "
Well, you get the idea.
One newspaper legacy still very much with us is
the legal notice buried in the back pages. It's
hard to believe that well into the 21st century,
there are select transactions or procedures that
the law requires be described in a newspaper of
general circulation. So, if there is an unknown
owner of a piece of real estate, the law requires
that notice be published in a certain newspaper
for a specified amount of time, and only then
can the court act in connection with the real
estate. But it always seemed to me that if
someone has dropped so far out of sight that
no one can find him or identify him as the
owner of that midblock lot, it is highly unlikely
he is perusing the Daily Washington Law
Reporter,, fine publication though that is.
Reporter
The end of the heyday of the great city newspapers was when they improved them. How? It
used to be that by the time you were done
reading the New York Times or the Wall Street
Journal cover to cover, your hands were so
coated with ink that you looked like you were
about to be arraigned. Your hands demonstrated that you were a Serious Person, a
Learned Person, who had recently emerged
from digesting the great issues of the day. But
the low-smudge papers of today do not leave
you with that badge of honor of being
Educated. Now no one knows you just got
finished reading the funnies . . . I mean the
op-ed page.

Washington Lawyer - March/April 2021

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